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6/12/07 04:12 pm

Would Charlie Brown have been happy with his rocks if he didn't know the other kids got candy?

9/2/06 04:33 pm - Of 1,001 albums, the ones I've heard

The game is picking which of 1,001 music albums you've heard. The source is 1001 Albums You Must Hear Before You Die, which like all attempts at comprehensively indexing the best of the arts, is worthy only of mockery and savaging.

The extended comments are under the cut.Collapse )

Result: I've heard the entirety of 380 of these albums, 315 of them from beginning to end at least once. I own 105 of them. Not bad considering the list has a heavy bias towards British acts, some of which never released anything in the US. It'd be interesting to see a similar list compiled from an American perspective.

5/27/05 08:20 pm - Star Wars: No.

This is the only one of the three that I saw in a movie theater, and so it was the only one for which the special effects really worked. That was fun. The rest of the time I was either wishing for more special effects or fighting against laughing aloud. My thighs are still sore from punching them to keep from laughing aloud.

SpoilersCollapse ) And so. I've ranted about 'Star Wars' twice this week. And this wraps it up.

(Edit:) No, wait. One last thing. In every single movie, George has used the line, "I've got a bad feeling about this," at least once. And it's totally failed to become a popular catch phrase. I wonder if George realizes that "Use the Force, Luke" became a catch phrase out of mockery, not admiration.

5/23/05 10:36 am - Star Wars: The Wesley Crusher Story

Attack of the Clones: I kept falling asleep. Really. For what I saw, though, my criticism of The Phantom Menace applies, with some caveats.

The caveats, and Clone Wars tooCollapse )

5/20/05 03:23 pm - Star Wars part 1

I saw Star Wars: The Phantom Menace for the first time last night. It was awful. I mean this in a non-ironic way. It sucked. I told M I refuse to see it again without getting roaring drunk first: If I'm going to see something that hallucinogenically bad, I don't want to remember it.

No, really. It's bad.Collapse )

M says the next movie is worse. I don't think that's possible. I'll find out this weekend. And then we'll go to see the new one.
(Edit: Some double negatives fixed.)

3/30/05 02:39 pm - The cake of love

The cake of love has lots of frosting
No one finishes the damn thing
It's sweeter than ten Hello Kitties
And absurdly fat'ning.

But you-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo
You can feed the cake to me
And i-i-i-i-i-i
I will eat it gratefully.
Attribution dammit: The Book of Love by Magnetic Fields (link points to iTunes music store)

10/12/04 08:52 pm - Toys for the new depression

Zombie Barbie
Collector's Edition chants 'Brains is haaard!' in a sluggish monotone. With coordinated ostrich skin purse and pustulent grey flesh.

Two Pens
Hey boys! You're an orphan playing in the gutters until you find a working ball point pen! Sell the pen and use the profits to invest in oil futures - whoops! You can't sign the paperwork because you sold your pen! A fun strategy game that teaches children an important lesson about the virtues of hard work and trust fund inheritance.

Barbie's Dream Favela
Play house the way most of the world does! Barbie shares her one-room scrap metal shack with Ken, Skipper, and eleven other family members, maintaining their model-thin figures with chronic e.coli infections and five mile hikes for drinking water.

G.I. Joe Street Sweeper Strike Force Team
The U.N. is a'comin' to town, and El Presidente is pissed! Only one man can save El Presidente from global reprobation: G.I. Joe! Help Joe and his troops clear out thousands of indigents and pave a new highway from the airport to the presidential mansion in time for the democratic elections. Lives are cheap but don't let CNN see the bodies. Go Joe Team!

Sodium!
Sodium! It comes out of the ground! Sodium! It's your best friend! Granular toy dolls based on popular nutritional components, Sodium and his pals Fructose, Lipid and good ol' Bone Marrow(TM) come from the TV screen and into your home in a thousand different ways. Let your children go to sleep cuddling with the super-plush Lipid in his pale green Hydro-Sac, with Sodium on the window sill standing guard. Coming soon: the Secret Sugar Adventurers Club!

10/4/04 04:31 pm - Rant in a minor key

So the kitchen here has some cabinets with slotted grooves in them, so that you can insert more shelves. We need more shelves, so I cut down some plywood to put in 'em.
so far so good.

Bought a small can of paint, a brush, and went to painting the plywood - had to be done, not for appearance's sake but to seal it from splintering. Finish one side, and bring the brush into the laundry basin to wash out for reuse. My hands get painted white. nothing rinses off the brush. Conclusion: the paint is not water-soluble latex paint after all.

After a painful session with hot running water, industrial-grade hand soap and a plastic scrubbing sponge, most of the crap's off my hands, but the brush is ruined and i have to figure out how to get the crap off my watchband. And I need another brush to finish the other sides and edges of the boards tomorrow.

Check the can afterwards. sure enough, enamel. Moral: Whether it's cookies, tofu, or housepaint, read the stupid label.

9/29/04 10:34 pm - TV Shows for the New Depression

Insufficiently Fabulous: Wacky comedy about two aging single women and their repeated attempts to make a mark on the fashion world despite their complete lack of social acumen and business connections, all while their friends and abandoned children slowly destroy themselves with street drugs. 60 minutes.

Walt Disneys' Yu-gi-puff-amon Squarepants: The first new show following the merger of Viacom, ABC/Disney, and Bandai, a hybrid east-west venture featuring cute characters in slapstick high adventure comedy. Your children have already remortgaged your home for the collectible card game, so you may as well watch. 30 minutes.

Iron Mechanic: Competing auto repairmen vie to turn away the most mandatory recall work. Contestants are scored on threat level, customer endangerment, and return business. 60 minutes.

Employment Eye for the Midwest Guy: A team of witty corporate consultants and researchers from fashionable think tanks visit destitute workers to explain why the local factory closure was good for the economy. 90 minutes.

Pop Idyll: Fortysomethings are invited to bemoan the dearth of good music these days and how their culture has been lost, forever caught between the baby boomers and the Generation Xers, even though Douglas Coupland wrote his book about them, not about the bunch of smug dotcom brats who followed them. 30 minutes.

5/29/04 08:33 am - Song for rwx

Out in the town of Blue Springs, Montana
I got big money for hunting down goths.
Nighttime would find me in Starbucks cafes when
Music would play Satan-worshipping rock.

Blacker than night were the cloaks of the goth boys
Wicked and evil while casting their spells
I searched and failed to find sign of the goth boys
I had a mission to save them from Hell.

Night after night I sipped Frappuccinos
Wound up like I couldn't tell
The Starbucks was full, but with soccer moms only
And the occasional father as well.

12/19/03 07:17 am - Return of the lord of the return of the review king

I was remiss in drafting a timely writeup regarding the third film in the 'Lord of the Rings' cinematic trilogy but my excuse has to do with work obligations and, passing out the following night and waking up three hours later with throw pillows on my head.

Are they spoilers? I can't remember now. Best to be safe, you know?Collapse )

11/7/03 11:28 am - From conversation

"I don't think coffee's measured in pints at all. It's measured in Small, Medium, Large, Fat American, and Reserve Tank. So what I've drunk this morning is two Fat Americans."

11/7/03 01:01 am - The Matrix: Revolutions

It's cheap, but it's a very expensive kind of cheap.

11/5/03 09:25 am - The elevated quality of our daily discourse

M: why do you think garu gets so nervous about pucca's smoochies?
wisn: because if she's close enough to smoochie him she's close enough to kick his ass.
wisn: also he's ninja! ninjas don't smoochie unless it's... THE SMOOCHIE OF NINJA DEATH!
M: *giggle*

10/8/03 10:44 am

Road-tripping in a 1981 Mercedes SD 300 turbo diesel is like driving a small house where the captain's chair is a Lay-Z-Boy.

And when you pull off the highway in a small town, somebody will come up to you and say, "My uncle had a house like that once, and my wife's been looking for one for ages," half in the hopes you'd volunteer to sell yours on the spot, somewhere in central Michigan.

9/1/03 09:56 pm - A load of raw filth

Finally saw League of Extraordinary Gentlemen this afternoon.

Now, my hopes weren't high. The previews and reviews from when it came out weren't enthusiastic. And the word from friends who'd seen it weren't, either. In fact, I mostly wanted to see how much of a change it was from the comic book.

Oh my Lord and God, what a horrible, awful dung-hauling boxcar trainwreck of a stink it was. I can honestly say I've seen worse movies, but I can't say as I've ever seen anything so awful I had to fight so strongly my urge to flee for the nearly unendurable two hours of slowly unwinding misappropriation of my life this was. From about the moment the battle tank burst onto the soundstage, through every miserable overwrought and sluggishly delivered line, every badly-composited computer-generated effect, every continuity error, broad and blatant foreshadow, failure of wit, failure of sense, this was a cringefest not even a daylong marathon of Farrelly brothers pictures could match.

There were moments, and bits, that were good. The actor who played Nemo did his stone-faced best with a script that reduced the cast to gibbering, and the actor who played Dorian Gray clearly realized early on that he was riding a slow boat to Hell and camped it up for the fun of it. The rest, well, they struggled, most of them badly. Sean Connery should be ashamed not only for strong-arming himself into the leadership role but also for co-production, and for portraying a sinewy hunter as somebody poached, paunched, and visibly staggering.

It's not even the changes over the comic book I have problems with (I think they did a reasonable job of fitting Tom Sawyer and Dorian Gray in, and some other changes were fit for the translation from paper to film), it's the execution. Conspicuous in their absence are any writing credits in the final reel. And only one writer credit in the opening. Which leads me to believe the rest washed their hands of it... who ever heard of a Hollywood flick with only one writer on it?

Contrary to however I represent myself online, I'm really a quiet person. I don't say much, and I keep my place. Here, my reactions were visceral. I was quaking with anger, mumbling, repeatedly whispering to M, and during the credits I was yelling how horrible the film was and that I wanted my money back. I was enraged for hours afterward.

If you care to waste an afternoon, take three dollars out of your wallet, set them on your kitchen table alongside your lunch, and then urinate on them. The time you'll spend afterwards cleaning the money, the furniture, carpet and tableware will pass more pleasantly than this movie will, and will cost you less money.

8/13/03 01:34 pm - Very few people will care about this

Nothing on the Jura America website says why there's a serial port on the back of the Impressa X90.

7/29/03 11:29 am - My latest encounter with evil

Mi Familia con chile Habas Lima Beans.

They're dried lima beans, rendered livid red with the liberal application of chile powder. What you may not realize, even after opening the package, is that it's not the chile powder that will kill you. These are, in fact, not all that hot. No, it's the citrus flavoring.

These crispy little bastards are packed with more citric acid than a vat of grapefruit juice. Your lips will pucker into a small little ring and attempt to leap entirely off your face and onto the nearest ice floe. As you stagger around blindly from your tears, somebody will have pity on you and offer a glass of orange juice. Your screams will be heard by the Mexican Cabal, and they will cross your name off their extensively cross-referenced, scrupulously compiled database.

I ate the whole bag.

6/9/03 10:28 pm - Wedding suggestions for the hopeless

Pokemon wedding: The bride has to fight one of the bridesmaids, and after emerging victorious recites her vows saying, "Bride! Bride bride bride! Bride!" The groom says, "I choose you!" If the bridesmaid win, she gets a power-up and the groom marries her instead.

Penis enlargement spam wedding: "Do you, Joe Smith, promise to grow up to 3 inches overnight? Do you, Betty Jones, promise to grow bigger and firmer without surgery?"

Dance Dance Revolution wedding: The groom does a set of dance moves and the bride has to duplicate them. Then the bride leads. If the follower missteps, the wedding's off.

The Matrix wedding - The wedding party are Agent Smith. The honeymoon takes place in a candle-lit cave whilst the reception guests rave on.

Lord of the Rings wedding: The groom as Smeagol, the bride as Gollum, two individuals coming together as one. The giving of the ring is powerful and symbolic.

(instigated by yong_mi)

4/26/03 06:43 pm - Found at the Botanical Gardens

Echevaria Funkii
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